Sleepless Week

I got some sleep last night after a week of sleeplessness. I’ve been staying in Salt Lake at a family members house since Monday the 27th. Though, to be honest, it had nothing to do where I was sleeping with and everything to do with my broken heart that was shattered four years ago. I was very stressed out about seeing this girl I was madly in love with for nearly 15 years. She’s now been happily married (sealed in temple) for two years. The whole thing is very upsetting for me. From the first time I saw her I knew I wanted her for all eternity. I had dedicated my entire life from that point on to her. She plagued every moment of my thoughts from that moment on.

I broke my golden rule, “never assume, never think”. To me it was a forgone conclusion that we were going to go through the temple and start our own family. She, on the other hand, didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I was (am) devastated to say the least. She didn’t even invite me to her wedding. It is because of my obsession with her (the most perfect woman in the world – go figure) that I am not married, and have no kids. She is, after all, a tough act to follow.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure how I should act, seeing her for the first time in four years. We were so close foe so long. I had (have) so many feelings saturating me. There’s hatred for her brother who I believe caused my downfall with her, and for the guy who got her- She’s my girl, my ‘beautiful’, my ‘little girl’ and he’s with her. Jealousy of course. Anger, I am so angry at myself for not wanting her as much as I thought I did (I didn’t even fight for her, I just gave up) I was so content to wait for her, that I though I could just wait it out. Frustration, lots of frustration for working so hard for a certain end just to give it all up, for not working and trying harder, for not knowing what to do or what I should have done. Confusion. I still do not know why she didn’t want me. She was too smart to have listened to listen to what others were saying. And something I thought I cried out of my system two years ago, love. She’s a married woman now, and I’d still do anything for her.

And that scares the hell out of me. If I looked into her eyes, I’d be snared. I’d be tempted to use my charm, and I know I would fail. And if I didn’t, well that would be even worse. She’s a married woman now, I’m the loser. And life goes on.

In the end, I decided to ignore her. She must think even worse of me now, but that’s good. I hope I never see her again. God knows I don’t want to. The only reason I slept last night was because I worked hard moving my sister and went to bed aching.

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