As I sit here tonight, reminiscing, I am reminded of a kitten. When I was younger, like ’86 or 7, I had a best friend and we would ‘camp’ outside often at his place on the Spokane River. One time there turned up a pretty little female kitten. I don’t recall where the thing came from or how it ended up at his place. I think it may have been one of his sister-in-law’s cat’s litter, but who knows.
Anyway, it was one of those colorful fluff balls just old enough to have been weaned for at least a little while. My friend and I were sleeping in one of those big white canvas tents on cots. The cot I was using had a hole in it at about my tummy area and that cat would crawl down there and curl up. The sleeping bag would form a pouch in that hole just the right size for that cutie, and that’s where she would sleep. It didn’t bother me any, I love cats and I didn’t even have to worry about squishing her when I rolled over because she was hanging below me. I could sleep right on top of her. Even so, I found out that often switched beds with my friend throughout the night.
She was a colorful animal with prominent orange and reds as well as everything else. I’m sitting next to a similar one now, not so prominent on the o’s and r’s. She’s a sweetie though. She’s lived with my aunt for what has to be over 15 years. I know because she’s the last of the babies from my family cat who’s been dead for about a decade now. We gave her to my aunt long before the mother died though. She looks just like her mother.
Anyway, she’s slept with me for past couple nights, when I know she also sleeps in my aunts bed. She’s a be hopper.
She looks so much like her mother Tiger (don’t let the name fool you, she was calico). When I look at her my eyes well up. We had tiger for so long and I found memories. Tiger used to hunt with me. She was my hunting cat. Any time I had that Bee-Bee gun, she was there. She knew that if I didn’t get a good kill, she needed put that bird out of it’s misery ASAP. Often she would glare at me when my shot did kill. What a wonderful animal, I can’t wait to see her again someday.
I got some sleep last night after a week of sleeplessness. I’ve been staying in Salt Lake at a family members house since Monday the 27th. Though, to be honest, it had nothing to do where I was sleeping with and everything to do with my broken heart that was shattered four years ago. I was very stressed out about seeing this girl I was madly in love with for nearly 15 years. She’s now been happily married (sealed in temple) for two years. The whole thing is very upsetting for me. From the first time I saw her I knew I wanted her for all eternity. I had dedicated my entire life from that point on to her. She plagued every moment of my thoughts from that moment on.
I broke my golden rule, “never assume, never think”. To me it was a forgone conclusion that we were going to go through the temple and start our own family. She, on the other hand, didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I was (am) devastated to say the least. She didn’t even invite me to her wedding. It is because of my obsession with her (the most perfect woman in the world – go figure) that I am not married, and have no kids. She is, after all, a tough act to follow.
Anyway, I wasn’t sure how I should act, seeing her for the first time in four years. We were so close foe so long. I had (have) so many feelings saturating me. There’s hatred for her brother who I believe caused my downfall with her, and for the guy who got her- She’s my girl, my ‘beautiful’, my ‘little girl’ and he’s with her. Jealousy of course. Anger, I am so angry at myself for not wanting her as much as I thought I did (I didn’t even fight for her, I just gave up) I was so content to wait for her, that I though I could just wait it out. Frustration, lots of frustration for working so hard for a certain end just to give it all up, for not working and trying harder, for not knowing what to do or what I should have done. Confusion. I still do not know why she didn’t want me. She was too smart to have listened to listen to what others were saying. And something I thought I cried out of my system two years ago, love. She’s a married woman now, and I’d still do anything for her.
And that scares the hell out of me. If I looked into her eyes, I’d be snared. I’d be tempted to use my charm, and I know I would fail. And if I didn’t, well that would be even worse. She’s a married woman now, I’m the loser. And life goes on.
In the end, I decided to ignore her. She must think even worse of me now, but that’s good. I hope I never see her again. God knows I don’t want to. The only reason I slept last night was because I worked hard moving my sister and went to bed aching.
My knee is killing me. Last January, I was hit by car while riding my bicycle along a crosswalk in St, George, Utah. It hurt pretty bad for a few months after, but has felt good for the past several. Until last night when I helped my sister move from her condo to her new home.
Special thanks to all you stupid Utahans for your ‘no-fault law’ without your idiocy, I wouldn’t have a weak knee.
Tonight, my brother-in-law took me, my youngest sister, mom, and one other sister and all applicable kids (four total – their two and my other sisters two) out eat. It was for helping them yesterday.
We went to Sizzler and I had the steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp. It was good. I suspect that if I had been raised eating good steak, I would probably be like it like everyone else in the world seems to. Though I only ordered the steak for the shrimp, I did eat it and I did like it. My dad fixes a great steak. I wasn’t raised with him though, and I do prefer a good burger to the finest steak.
Anyway, the steak was almost as good as Dad’s and I now have a few good reasons to reconsider steak as an option for beef. The shrimp was popcorn of course and gobbled up several platefuls. It was a very enjoyable meal and I think it was indeed worth both the money my sister brother-in-law paid for it, and the all the lifting and carrying I did for them yesterday.
Thanks a lot guys.
Pictures turned out to be a bust. I was hoping to get my photo taken during family pictures, which was a main reason I made the trip to Sick City. That’s not what happened. I did get in two pictures, one with everyone who was there and wanted to be in it, the other with just my siblingsthat were there and my mom and her current husband.
It was my fault. I have a rule, never think, never assume. I hate it when people just assume something. That’s what I did. I assumed that my mom would want to have a new photo of me and would have made the arrangements like all the other times before. When I noticed I wasn’t going to get my picture taken, I asked the photographer how much it would be for me to have my picture taken, but it was more than I was willing to pay. I should have stuck with my original plan and had them taken two months ago at Sears in St. George. That’s what I get for thinking.
Mom says that the family pictures this year were the worst yet. I’ll agree, but that’s what you get when you do something like that at a place like Kiddie Kandits. C’est la vie.
And life goes on. I’ll never do it again.
I came to Sick City to install Linux on my new laptop hard drive, but I could get it to work so I’m stuck with the dreaded windows. I hate Microsoft even more than I hate Sick. Well, all I have to do is get one book sold and I’ll never have to have a Microsoft component again. I’ll get all new laptops and have Linux installed on all of them. Better get typing.
The Oneida County Library here in Sick City, Idaho opens pretty late. It’s weird not being able to go to the library at nine o’clock in the morning. Here, I have to wait ‘till eleven. They close real early too. Four hours earlier than Washington County Library.
Well, I certainly never claimed to like this infernal hell hole.
Well, here I am in Sick City, Idaho. I don’t have much to do, so I’m just vegi’n out here. I got my laptop loaded with all the programs I’ll need for when I head back to St. George, and all my music CD’s have been condensed into a few thousand MP3’s and stored on my new 20 gig hard drive. I can’t believe how small those things are for laptops. When I was working at Hewlett-Packard (nearly ten years ago) I remember seeing a display some of the first hard drives, they were so big.
Tonight my mom and her husband remembered their wedding anniversary was last week. It’s been 14 years. It’s hard to believe I’m that old. I was 14 then. All my little sisters from then are married and have at least 2 and half kids (I have a total of 5 awesome nieces, and 4 nephews from my little sisters). Except my 4th little sister, she’s only 12, soon to be 13.
Anyway, it got me feeling nostalgic, so I pulled out some of my mom’s photo albums. I started at their wedding 14 years ago and looked through about three years of pictures. With the way my mom takes pictures, that’s about four full albums. It brought back some fun memories. Not my best memories, I’d have to go back to ‘85 for those, but it was nice. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll start from the beginning, that would be around ‘75, just slightly before me.